I posted about this on my social media and it received such an incredible response that I decided to turn it into a blog post as I know it will be helpful/ healing for you as well.
So that big misconception I learned about parents that almost cost me my relationship with my mom is…..
…..That they’re supposed to be “perfect” & can’t make mistakes.
My mom was going through a really difficult time in her life when I decided to move out at 17. I completely cut her out of my life & told her not to come to my highschool graduation because I thought she “ruined my life”….
…..Because I had the idea in my mind that she wasn’t allowed to make mistakes.
And it took me YEARS before I was able to forgive her & truly allow her back into my life.
But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending because of these major realizations that I came to:
- Parents are human & deserve compassion, they have trauma just like you do, & they might not know how to process it & move forward, just like you. But we’ve placed this unrealistic standard on them that they’re not allowed to have unprocessed trauma, just because they decided to create another human.
- Everyone is doing their absolute best with the tools they’ve been given. I could talk about this one for a while but let us not forget that up until recently, there’s been a stigma associated to therapy that it’s for the “weak” and had a negative connotation associated with it. So how the heck would our parents have known how to process their trauma?!
- That I’m truly the only person who can “ruin” or change my life, it’s my job to take radical responsibility for how I respond to situations & circumstances. You can either give your power away to others & blame them, or step up & own it.
- Change your relationship with expectations because they’re in the future, & we’re right here, right now, in the present. Focus on what you can control there.
Fast forward to now, & my relationship with my mom is the BEST it’s ever been. We have our ups & downs but we both CHOOSE to continue to put in the work regularly & I am SO freaking proud of us.
And the word CHOOSE is important here because it’s very different from a decision. We tend to make decisions after consideration or justifications, but with choices, we choose something or someone simply because we choose it. So my mom and I choose each other, because we choose each other, that’s it.
I love my mom with all of my heart & NOTHING was worth not having her in my life. She is one of the best people I know & I’m incredibly inspired by her drive & motivation to constantly work towards being the best version of herself.
And if you’re having trouble letting a parent back into your life because of their past mistakes, trust me, I get it. I’m not saying that what they did was right, making excuses for them, or saying you deserved it, because it wasn’t right and you didn’t deserve it at all. I get that all situations are unique & it takes a real leap of faith to do this regardless, but just know that I’ll always be cheering you on no matter what. And if this has helped you to develop even a tiny bit more compassion towards your parents, then I’ve done my job 🙂
P.S. I read this to my mom & we both cried, and then that day she sent me a quote that said “To my children, I’m sorry for the unhealed parts of me that in turn hurt you. It was never a lack of love for you. Only a lack of love for myself.”
So much truth. And so much strength & courage it took for her to express that to me.
I hope this brings you some semblance of love and healing for yourself. And you know where to find me if you ever want any support!